Paperwork and Other Workplace Hazards
by Cissa The Bookworm
Summary: Phil Coulson really thinks that Steve Rogers and his wonder-twin are out to give him a heart attack. No really. Drowning in paperwork, Phil muses on how the world was so lucky (or perhaps unlucky) as to be graced with not only Steve Rogers, but also Johnny Storm, and now a not-dead Bucky Barnes. Part two of "Me, You, and Bucky Too"


Steve and Johnny delighted in giving Nick Fury heart attacks, Phil Coulson was sure of it. If anything, Johnny was a horrible influence on his twin. Phil couldn't tell you how many times that he had to field ridiculous things that the twins had done before news of the event made it's way to Fury. Not that he thought whatever little he did actually helped stop the news from getting to Fury, but one could hope. Or dream. Or whatever. Phil really needed a break. Or to retire, that would work just as well because then he'd never have to deal with the double terrors ever again. Or Tony Stark, though God help him, he'd rather deal with the eccentric billionaire. It was a sad day in hell when you would rather work on Tony Stark's catastrophes than Captain America's.

At first the twins were rather tame. The pictures that were out on social media before an interview were annoying, sure, but they could be handled. They were nice for Ellen…

" _And today we have a special treat for everyone. America, welcome Captain Steve Rogers, leader of the Avengers and Johnny Storm, member of the Fantastic Four!" Ellen called, queuing the twins to take the stage with her._

" _Hi!" Steve gives Ellen a huge smile, "Thank you for having us on!"_

" _The pleasure is all mine, trust me." Ellen smiles at the two. "So, let's cut to the chase before we get to the fluffy questions: You're twins?"_

" _Yup!" Johnny crows, knocking his shoulder into Steve's. "He's ma little brother!"_

 _Steve flushes. "I'm taller than you."_

" _Hardly." Johnny scoffs, "All of two inches."_

" _Still two inches taller than you…" Steve mutters under his breath in the typical younger brother fashion._

 _Ellen smiles at the two, "So how did you two meet up again in the future?"_

 _Steve answers, "It was during a briefing between the Avengers and Fantastic Four. Completely by accident."_

" _How did you two not realize beforehand that the other had survived?"_

 _Johnny shrugged, "I've been pretty much ignoring the mainstream media for the past couple of years. Ever since I woke up from the cryo-chamber I haven't cared so much about current events."_

" _In my defense I've only been awake in this time for about two and a half months, so I'm still getting a crash course in all that I've missed. The Fantastic Four are rather far down on the list, even with them being allies of the Avengers." Steve gives his own shrug, "We probably would have figured it out sooner or later."_

" _Though it is nice knowing sooner." Johnny smiles. "Means I have more time being the over-protective brother!"_

" _Shut up." Steve grumbles, "I'm not a tiny asthmatic anymore."_

" _You will always be the little shrimp in need of protecting in my heart." Johnny swears, holding a hand up to his heart._

 _Steve melts a tiny bit and concedes, "Fine."_

But this, Phil bitterly thinks, takes the whole fucking cake. They stormed a fucking HYDRA holding. Phil didn't even know that HYDRA was still around, let alone that it had taken root within SHIELD. And why, you ask, did they storm a HYDRA holding by themselves? Because there was some shady intel that Bucky Barnes, AKA their long lost pal (AKA Steve's fuck buddy, Johnny's voice smugly states in his mind while Steve squawks and corrects by stating that they were lovers, _thank you_ very much Johnny), was being held captive there and had been moulded into the Winter Soldier. You can't make that shit up.

But in the end, Phil supposes that their stupid plan ended up working out pretty well. Bucky Barnes was in their custody, SHIELD was being purged of HYDRA, and no one died besides some HYDRA goons. It was really their own damn fault for being a part of that organization. So no sympathy.

Phil sighs as he pores over the piles of paperwork he is filling out for HYDRAgate 2013. Damn those supersoldiers. Damn them to hell. Phil sighs once more for prosperity's sake and pulls another piece of paper towards him and begins to write. What felt like ten years later (but was probably only an hour), Natasha startles Phil into awareness when she plops down yet another pile of papers onto his desk, causing his outbox to tremble precariously. Natasha smirks, "Having fun yet?"

"No." Phil sullenly grumbles and Natasha's smirk widens. "I hate those two."

"No you don't."

"No I don't." Phil agrees, "I only hate Johnny. And HYDRA. Fuck HYDRA."

Natasha snorts and agrees, "Fuck HYDRA. I'll send Clint in with some coffee in a little while."

"You're an angel hidden in wolf clothing." Phil mutters into Form C407-A2.

"Don't forget it." Natasha laughs as she saunters out the door as Steve tumbles in.

Steve starts to apologize, but quickly falls silent at the glare Phil sends him, "No, you're not really sorry."

Steve doesn't even have the grace to blush, "No, I suppose you're right. I have, however, gotten very good at filling out forms."

Phil shoves a pile towards him without saying a word. Steve shrugs, grabs an Iron Man pen and sets himself to work. The pair work in silence for a long time before Clint strolls in with a tray of coffee and Johnny behind him. "I've brought another paperpusher." Clint announces as he hands a coffee to Phil and Steve, claiming one for himself before shoving the near empty tray towards Johnny.

Johnny huffs and whines, "Why do I have to fill out paperwork? It was Steve's idea!"

"Shut up and write." Phil snarls before burying himself in paperwork and diligently avoiding spilling a drop of coffee.

Steve snickers at his brother and pushes a pile of work into Johnny's arms. "Get to writing, you heard Phil."

"Yup, I sure did hear Phil."

"You're no longer allowed to call me that." Phil snaps at Johnny.

"But Steve can?" Johnny complains.

Phil nods, eyes icy, "Because I like him better. If it wasn't because of you he'd still be polite to most of his commanding officers."

"But most of them are dicks." Steve mutters in Form D808-A39. "And what the hell is this form? It's basically a copy of the one I just filled out!"

Phil looks at it, "Yeah, basically. But Fury's a dick who makes us fill out several forms that are basically the same with only one or two miniscule differences."

"What the shit?" Steve shakes his head and dutifully continues to fill out the form. "And Barton, get to work if all you're going to do is take up space in this office."

Clint moans, "But I don't wanna!" However, he obliges when Phil pushes the last stack of papers towards Clint.

Phil glares at his papers and hurriedly tidies up the piles once he spots the papers in the outbox making a break for freedom- or in his opinion, making an attempt to make his life an even bigger hell. "With you three here maybe I will be done with paperwork before Christmas." None of the others make a move to inform him that Christmas wasn't for another nine months.


End file.
